Get a Woman Make Her Laugh Snort Funny Meme
50 Very Funny Tweets That'll Make You Snort-Laugh
"Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads."
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[Plato returns from the expressionless] Plato: so who'south that girl, are y'all together? Me: nah, it'south purely platonic. Plato: ...what does ideal mean? Me: it means nosotros don't have sex activity. Plato: what the fuck
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SECURITY Guard: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the auto Piddling MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok absurd
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[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary] Narrator: ...the mink, a close relative of the weasel Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
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My "Not involved in human trafficking" T-shirt has people request a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
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[wakes up with a hangover] uhh what happened last night [Carrot Top in bed beside me] Good morning [Me] Carrot Elevation my dearest, what happened
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MY WIFE:We named you afterwards our favorite songs. Y'all were mine LAYLA: I love that ME: And y'all mine THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yes, I figured
nine.
A girl was born with a harmonica instead of vocal chords and when she cried it filled the room with a melody then sweet. "Brand her cry more!" The villagers would shout. "Throw trash at her and lets jig, baby!" "HWAaangGG" she'd reply.
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Therapist: what's upsetting y'all? Wife: he's always using mutual phrases incorrectly Me: cry me a tabular array, Linda
eleven.
SOCRATES: I am wiser than this homo; he fancies he knows something, although he knows nothing— DARRYL, SOCRATES' FRIEND: fuck him upward socrates
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At Jonestown, 906 cultists died of drinking poisoned Kool-Aid, as well every bit the first officer on the scene, Jeff "Don't Listen If I Practise" Ramirez.
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[mid to late 13th century] me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a banking concern] "everybody mind up this is a robbery"
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[my funeral service] my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own expiry several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid large hat. i'd like to apologise to everyone here once once again
fifteen.
My 5 yr old son just asked "what if we put a piece of turkey in the DVD role player and it played a movie most the turkey'due south whole life" and none of the parenting books I've read accept prepared me for this question.
16.
"yeah of course I can paint your ceiling." Michelangelo scoffed to himself, "gonna paint a bunch of dudes with they dick outs on it tho"
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[mysterious old lady flips tarot bill of fare revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines] Me: is that good
18.
[Engagement] waiter: what would you like to accept? me: bring a shake with ii straws date: *smiles* me: *puts both the straws in my mouth* await how fast I tin drinkable
19.
"Hmmm, ah, yesofcourse. *unmarried clap* That is superb. You lot, ah. HA! Yeah, well." - Jeff Goldblum orgasming.
xx.
me: *cums inside her* her: you idiot, I'thousand possibly pregnant at present me: hullo possibly significant, I'm... in unison: OH NO
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koala: i desire to eat leaf euaclyptus leafage: no dont eat me im worthless koala: no i want foliage! eucalyptus leafage: i'll poison u koala: i will specifically evolve to eat leaf eucalyptus leaf: i literally have no nutritional value koala: ๏ฝ๏ฝ ๏ฝ๏ฝ
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Baby giraffes can walk within minutes of birth but sure, show me more photos of your infant doing nothing, Ballad.
25.
We're a small-scale company with small-scale goals: 1: sell a quality product at a fair price two: drain the world's oceans and then we can find and kill god
26.
Wear just a towel effectually your waist and yous can get into just nearly anywhere if you but repeat "so distressing and so sorry" and continue moving forward.
27.
Boy do I love sex. Really love putting my penis into some *looks at smudged writing on mitt* verguba
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Hello, oh you don't accept a ramp I guess, okay well lets talk in the driveway my name is Professor X and I run a school for monster babies
30.
THE INVENTION OF PEPPERS Constitute: UGH I'm tired of these hairy weirdos who eat the flesh and non the seeds! I'm going to make my fruits EXQUISITELY PAINFUL for non-birds! Homo, eating: ouch! Plant: squeamish! Human, standing to consume peppers: haha ouch! Plant: hey hey hey hey HEY WHAT
31.
First they came for the fat, whiny losers, and I said goose egg, considering they got me immediately. I was similar the offset person they got.
32.
The nigh embarrassing function most farting myself awake was that it was the most interesting aspect of my PowerPoint presentation.
33.
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at smashing heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to habitation depot
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*bursts into starbucks* Me: Do Y'all GUYS Accept A Ability OUTLET Barista: yeah over at that place Me: oh thank god *plugs in a mechanical balderdash*
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physician: [handing me my new born infant] I'one thousand sorry just your wife didn't make information technology me: [handing babe dorsum to him] bring me the ane my married woman made
38.
[commencement mean solar day every bit a bartender] Customer: I'll take a martini, dry out Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don't know how to tell y'all this
39.
canceling plans is ok. staying habitation to cook is ok. disappearing for a flake to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a strange country with a new name x years after is ok. information technology'south called cocky intendance
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GUY WHO But LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks? SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yep that should be ok
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COP: u were swerving a lot so i accept to deport a sobriety exam ME: ok COP: lets become taco bell ME: no COP: text ur ex ME: no COP: ok ur good
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[shoving glitter glue and felt pens dorsum into my bag, visibly upset] ok look all I'one thousand proverb is maybe you guys shouldn't have called it a 'arts and crafts brewery' because people are gonna get the wrong idea and lemme tell yous Karen this has been a big let down
46.
my dad once said "practice what you hate first matter in the morning to get it out of the style" and so two mos later chosen me on my altogether at 6am
47.
FOUNDER OF HOGWARTS: okay, then nosotros all know there are four types of child. brave, smart, evil and miscellaneous. SCHOOL Board: yes, go on.
48.
me: any historical figure? wizard: that's right [afterward at dinner] Beethoven: y'all seem disappointed me: *hiding dog treats* it's fine
49.
[concert] SINGER: hows everyone doin tonight Oversupply: woo ME (from the back in a normal speaking voice): it's really been a tough few months
l.
Me: I used to get joy from twitter simply now it makes me upset. Therapist: what if you just didn't use it anymore? Me: non sure I understand
Source: https://www.buzzfeed.com/katangus/funny-tweets-snort-laugh
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